Color

roses are red
or sometimes white or pink
and violets are purple
don't you think?

however, the sky is blue
and sometimes water too
although the Mississippi
often looks like brown goo

the physics of light
such an amazing sight
moving with such speed
faster than anything in flight

wavelengths of particles
energy of matter
welcome to
the electromagnetic ladder

what a rainbow of hues
frequencies of red to wavelengths of blue

spectacles everyday reflected
absorbed onto the world, chemically selected

the sun's energy
reflected and absorbed
providing the stimulus
to support life on this world

will someday, all the light the sun brings
be sucked into darkness?
into one large black hole
with all other things?

but don't get worried
with darkness don't fright
for if this were to happen
death will have taken our sight

Trust

To feel
the glory of it
grace of god
oops- phrase of habit
grace of life
peace of mind
piece of heart
pain and suffering
exhilaration, excitement
smiling on the inside
how tough am I?
so hard on the inside
no- the outside
a vision so stoic
made to protect
the middle- gooinesss
for what its worth
it is survival
competence, persistence
the strive to be the best
for which so clearly I'm not
preventing me
from falling to pieces
but I deny myself
I deny others
push away the openness
the raw tenderness
and vulnerability
in order to keep the pain at bay
because... I am afraid...
but the liveliness in feeling
these days I long for it
torn between this
choice of dichotomy
the strength of this ambivalence
perhaps I am ready
to allow things in
it might be due
to allow myself out
taking this step
feels far more an enormous leap
so I pray-
in my sense of the word
that I will not be overtaken
that I can bathe in it
resist the urge of wallowing
that I can take in the beauty
feel the mystic
surrender to the force of it
without succumbing to the darkness- the dark side
to allow myself
the processing of my pain
while living the happiness
it has earned me
all leading to the magic question
and the question is...
is my core... ?
... can I trust it?
who really,
is in it?

(k)new me?

funny how experience shapes and molds
so many circumstances we can't control
experience has opened my eyes
experience is making me blind

i thought i knew who i was
i was so sure of what i wanted
always pushing and pursuing
she was my reason for living
a life of career and domestication

we've finally been emanicipated
i'm left making my own decisions
navigating in a foreign world
no guide on this tour, no feedback
trying to decipher my destination

all i know is
everything i lived for
feels like a lie that i've created
a situation that i glorified
due to fear
lack of knowledge and exploration

so now, after all i've been exposed to
all objects and events, all aspirations
have been mutated
the meanings of all situations have been shifted

at times i have a sense
a vague semblance
scattered glimmers of a vision
my identity and existence at its finest

but the details are confused and blurred
not sure yet which blueprint to select
all requiring materials and tools
that i do not yet possess

so i grow tired and frustrated
by this situation, this glass ceiling
staring through it wondering
seems not to accomplish anything
but loneliness and desperation

so i seek remedies
anything to relieve this sensation
taking steps forward
that bring me backward
while taking steps backward
could bring me forward

cannot face the past
cannot escape it until i face it
trying hard to accept this situation

i do not know
how to be alone right now
lacking the skills and stability
to be with somebody,
not capable of making rational decisions
i don't know how to accept this quality
i don't know how to accept this weakness

it is afterall, everything that i have never wanted to be
lack of strength, shame in having to need
sometimes i think i've lost faith in everything
i no longer know what to believe
what should my direction be?

when everything i've ever believed in
every value i've ever undertaken
is under scrutiny, constantly being questioned
how will i ever have faith in me again?

Not So Close Please

Please, do not touch me
Literally or metaphorically
Do not tempt me to believe- to hope
I do not want to open myself up
to emotions that I know
Go beyond my current ability to cope

Call me an asshole
Whatever makes you feel good
But perhaps, you should not take this personally
Talk to anyone that's known me
Old friends, people I've dated
This is just me-
perhaps heredity, or how I was raised to be...

Yes, I have been accused many times
Accused and harassed
It is not unusual for people to want
from me, emotionally,
more than I can give

So, have I've tried before, given it a shot?
Well, of course I have
sometimes slow, sometimes fast
I've been falling since teenage days
And the only thing I know for certain
Is that people leave
People are never satisfied

So, do not ask me to open up
and be everyone's best friend
Do not ask me to get attached
Truth is- if you can't be patient with me
You should just move on and let me be

Don't get me wrong- I love my friends
I want to be there in their time of need
But, please, do not ask for dependency
I cannot fill that role for you
And I know you can't fill it for me

Perhaps, this is all just a phase
but grant it to me please
Phase or not, its a step I need to take
Please do not attempt to take its realness away
Grant me the respect of taking me seriously

Strength

This is my ode to teaching...

strength evades me
it has oozed out every crevice of my body
i can no longer endure
the granted i am taken for

i face you daily
pouring out my soul, my dignity
yet, the more i care
the less of yourself you share

you avoid me
put up those walls, don't let me in
afraid to expose yourself
afraid to expose your weaknesses

i am not disrespectful to you
this is simply who i am, what i do
i am not playing games
not until you force me to

what is it you want from me?
what should i do?
i know its my fault
my actions enable you

i no longer feel the strength
to endure what you put me through
but i'm not sure i have it in me
to stop caring for you

what is the answer to this puzzle?
where is the key?
what am i to do
with what you're giving me?

Depression

What kind of day will today be?
Will I be on my knees
or smiling and happy?
Will I get anything done?
What will I be able to accomplish?
These tears are draining the life from me.
What will be thrown at me today?
I need to know.
My defenses have been shattered
You can take what you want.
Take me... please
i'm tired of this fight
Daily
I know that whetever is thrown
will surely wound me
But you see, I am happy
Happy for you
yes you...
you survived a six month trip
out in the wilderness
And you finally have a guy
An experience so neccesary and wanted
Although you and me
girl- i don't know what to say
I know we have work comin our way
i swear, i just wanna know what to do
And you
congratulations
finally moving on from a hopeless situation
it seems you've found someone new
i hope that she is good to you
in ways that i could never be
but god i miss you
and i don't know how to leave you alone
I promise to try my best anyway
Don't worry, of course i'm happy for you too
husband ;-)
You deserve all of this
and eternal bliss
but you should know
you're presence is missed at home
You're the only person I have ever known
That has truly loved me for who I am
You are the man.
I am happy for all of you
but i am selfish
I wanna be happy for me
I've been here many times before- alone
I did not find what I was looking for.
It did not build strength in me
It built walls and insecurities
Disappointment in having to need
I just want to be taken care of today
But I am picky
I only want help from those who will be around
Do not lift my hopes up
just to drop them on the ground
So, I will need to do this by myself
I will continue the fight
It's the only choice I have, right?

Death

This is dedicated to my Grandpa who died the morning after I wrote this...


How do you know when to let go?
How do you decide?
Between pain... weakness...
And letting those surrounding you go?
This is a one way ticket.
There is no turning back.
The ultimate commitment
To leaving everything you've ever known...

And for what?
Heaven? Hell? Somplace unknown?
Eternal bliss?
Does everything finally come clear?
Or do you merely disappear?
Back to the earth...
The cycle of life
returning everything to the ground
it is after all where you came from, right?

But why not now?
Why not today? right this minute?
It is inevitable- don't you see
We will all cease to be...
eventually...

You were just like a child
Laying there helplessly
You could not raise your head... or speak
You could not wake up
Only on occasion did you open your eyes.
You lay there... beautiful... alseep

They were all there
The ones who loved you
Holding your hand
Supporting one another
Did you see?
This is YOUR family
Pay attention to how they weep

It is okay to say goodbye
Your time has come
But please, go peacefully...

Truth

I'd rather drown in your truth
than swim in your lies.

Granted

all i took for granted
has slipped away
what a fool i've been

Alone

here i am again
stuck between stop and go
do i like too much
or not enough?
i always seem to find myself here
drawn in as friends
i know i need to give you up
why do i always do this?
fall as friends
allow myself to open up
never as lovers
that's obviously too much

so i slept next to you the other night
the familiarity of your touch...
rivaled the familiarity of rejection the next day
i thought i had it all figured out
i'm tough, my head can handle this stuff
denying truth as you drew me in
just like the one before you
but you are so much more
i can't seem to keep things straight
i did not mean to complicate things
i'm being real when i say
i understand the situation i put you in...

i'm trying so hard to give you up
but what will happen if i give up too much?
will we stay in touch?
i need you right now
you fill a hole i cannot replace
lead me to strength
there must be a solution
i know we can figure this out

what lessons am i to learn?
will our result be a sign?
will "we" survive?

perhaps i'm destined to be isolated
can't commit to lovers
don't know how to be just friends
perhaps this is my punishment
the price of not being straight
perhaps one day i'll figure this out
in the mean time
the only place for me to go
is alone

Missing you?

I apologize for not sounding more enthusiastic on the phone. You asked if I missed you- I was uncertain of how to respond. What were your intentions with that question anyway? Do you need to hear that I miss you as an added ego boost- to help you feel better about yourself? Or, were you missing me and contemplating the admission, making sure that I felt the same first.

You know that I'll always love you- you do not need to ask. But currently, my number one task while you are away, is to get over you. You may not like it and I'm sure you will not always agree with my methods. However, you need to know, I cannot spend my time contemplating your beauty- longing to have you back with me. I cannot allow myself the luxury of missing you right now.

Your actions before you left made everything clear- we must end. Truth be told, your memory is entangled in resentment right now and I am enjoying my freedom- i do not miss you. I'm seeing more clearly without you here to blind me. You cannot manipulate me with your hugs and kisses. I'm sorry that this hurts, but I must survive and I will do whatever it takes. I will hurt you- I need to- but I guess that makes us even.

Know Me

This was written back when I thought I knew everything- funny how life changes...

Enjoy the smile on this face, but don't believe it- its a disguise.
A mask to make the true me easier on the eyes.
Don't worry, right now I'm fine and I will be
until I'm not.
Stop trying to read me
You will get it all wrong

I promise to decieve you

because i know
Presently

you cannot handle the true me

I will lead you along my maze of deception

Just to ensure that you fully appreciate my perception
You don't know me and you won't
Until you let go, so just let things flow
Don't worry, I'll let you know exactly how I feel
Just as soon as I know that my emotions are real
And beneficial for me to reveal
Don't get me wrong- I'm not mean and I'm not that tough
If you get to know me, you'll find, simply, a fragile little girl

Afraid of the hurt and pain that exists in this world

But beware, this little girl has spunk and edge

Well versed in being a bitch, well known for being intense

Yet those who know me refer to me as sweet and caring

Underneath all the ragged edges is a large heart

ready to fall and be consumed by compassion and mutual understanding

I just need to know

can you handle my mind?

my complexities? my passion?

my curiosity and refusal to believe

in unfairness and lack of equity

my passion is action

i will not sit still

if you want to be with me you will need to be

supportive of what i say and do

and do not expect me

to put my visions and ideals on hold just for you

want to know me?

let me know

can you handle my mind?

are you worth my time?

Buey! 

Is it because I'm White?

I knew it- you hate me because I'm white...