Depression

What kind of day will today be?
Will I be on my knees
or smiling and happy?
Will I get anything done?
What will I be able to accomplish?
These tears are draining the life from me.
What will be thrown at me today?
I need to know.
My defenses have been shattered
You can take what you want.
Take me... please
i'm tired of this fight
Daily
I know that whetever is thrown
will surely wound me
But you see, I am happy
Happy for you
yes you...
you survived a six month trip
out in the wilderness
And you finally have a guy
An experience so neccesary and wanted
Although you and me
girl- i don't know what to say
I know we have work comin our way
i swear, i just wanna know what to do
And you
congratulations
finally moving on from a hopeless situation
it seems you've found someone new
i hope that she is good to you
in ways that i could never be
but god i miss you
and i don't know how to leave you alone
I promise to try my best anyway
Don't worry, of course i'm happy for you too
husband ;-)
You deserve all of this
and eternal bliss
but you should know
you're presence is missed at home
You're the only person I have ever known
That has truly loved me for who I am
You are the man.
I am happy for all of you
but i am selfish
I wanna be happy for me
I've been here many times before- alone
I did not find what I was looking for.
It did not build strength in me
It built walls and insecurities
Disappointment in having to need
I just want to be taken care of today
But I am picky
I only want help from those who will be around
Do not lift my hopes up
just to drop them on the ground
So, I will need to do this by myself
I will continue the fight
It's the only choice I have, right?

Death

This is dedicated to my Grandpa who died the morning after I wrote this...


How do you know when to let go?
How do you decide?
Between pain... weakness...
And letting those surrounding you go?
This is a one way ticket.
There is no turning back.
The ultimate commitment
To leaving everything you've ever known...

And for what?
Heaven? Hell? Somplace unknown?
Eternal bliss?
Does everything finally come clear?
Or do you merely disappear?
Back to the earth...
The cycle of life
returning everything to the ground
it is after all where you came from, right?

But why not now?
Why not today? right this minute?
It is inevitable- don't you see
We will all cease to be...
eventually...

You were just like a child
Laying there helplessly
You could not raise your head... or speak
You could not wake up
Only on occasion did you open your eyes.
You lay there... beautiful... alseep

They were all there
The ones who loved you
Holding your hand
Supporting one another
Did you see?
This is YOUR family
Pay attention to how they weep

It is okay to say goodbye
Your time has come
But please, go peacefully...

Truth

I'd rather drown in your truth
than swim in your lies.