Trust

To feel
the glory of it
grace of god
oops- phrase of habit
grace of life
peace of mind
piece of heart
pain and suffering
exhilaration, excitement
smiling on the inside
how tough am I?
so hard on the inside
no- the outside
a vision so stoic
made to protect
the middle- gooinesss
for what its worth
it is survival
competence, persistence
the strive to be the best
for which so clearly I'm not
preventing me
from falling to pieces
but I deny myself
I deny others
push away the openness
the raw tenderness
and vulnerability
in order to keep the pain at bay
because... I am afraid...
but the liveliness in feeling
these days I long for it
torn between this
choice of dichotomy
the strength of this ambivalence
perhaps I am ready
to allow things in
it might be due
to allow myself out
taking this step
feels far more an enormous leap
so I pray-
in my sense of the word
that I will not be overtaken
that I can bathe in it
resist the urge of wallowing
that I can take in the beauty
feel the mystic
surrender to the force of it
without succumbing to the darkness- the dark side
to allow myself
the processing of my pain
while living the happiness
it has earned me
all leading to the magic question
and the question is...
is my core... ?
... can I trust it?
who really,
is in it?