(k)new me?

funny how experience shapes and molds
so many circumstances we can't control
experience has opened my eyes
experience is making me blind

i thought i knew who i was
i was so sure of what i wanted
always pushing and pursuing
she was my reason for living
a life of career and domestication

we've finally been emanicipated
i'm left making my own decisions
navigating in a foreign world
no guide on this tour, no feedback
trying to decipher my destination

all i know is
everything i lived for
feels like a lie that i've created
a situation that i glorified
due to fear
lack of knowledge and exploration

so now, after all i've been exposed to
all objects and events, all aspirations
have been mutated
the meanings of all situations have been shifted

at times i have a sense
a vague semblance
scattered glimmers of a vision
my identity and existence at its finest

but the details are confused and blurred
not sure yet which blueprint to select
all requiring materials and tools
that i do not yet possess

so i grow tired and frustrated
by this situation, this glass ceiling
staring through it wondering
seems not to accomplish anything
but loneliness and desperation

so i seek remedies
anything to relieve this sensation
taking steps forward
that bring me backward
while taking steps backward
could bring me forward

cannot face the past
cannot escape it until i face it
trying hard to accept this situation

i do not know
how to be alone right now
lacking the skills and stability
to be with somebody,
not capable of making rational decisions
i don't know how to accept this quality
i don't know how to accept this weakness

it is afterall, everything that i have never wanted to be
lack of strength, shame in having to need
sometimes i think i've lost faith in everything
i no longer know what to believe
what should my direction be?

when everything i've ever believed in
every value i've ever undertaken
is under scrutiny, constantly being questioned
how will i ever have faith in me again?